Livid

I wish I knew, off the top of my head, the definition of "livid", but I am feeling rightly pissed the fuck off right now. I mean so pissed I am sick with not only anger, but disbelief. So I am sitting here minding my own business and the phone rings, it is the lovely ex advising me of the new schedule. Which apparently has changed today, unbeknowst to me. To suit his girlfriends work schedule. Which also means the hotel reservations for Friday, no good. The non refundable tickets to the theater, wasted money. The dinner reservation, useless. All because the way things were works with her work schedule. Well fucking excuse me. How about my school schedule was rearranged to suit everyone else. How about MY being called from work to pick kids up because he was in Brunswick, so it was for me. How about done work a week early because he forgot to tell me they had child care lined up? And now, the next three weeks of plans are shot because things don't suit her work schedule? Fuck YOU. How about ME? How about if I had done this I would be shit. This all came about because he made plans and when I brought up the scheduling upset, he balked and said to bad. And I say the same thing and get told, fuck you, you have no say in anything you are shit. The sad part is I don't hate these people, I hate that they walk on me. I hate that everything rotates around the guy who left me. The guy who had two inappropriate evenings where there was sensual contact between him and a friend of mine. And I had a flirtatious conversation, online, with a guy, he came home and left me. And now I have to kiss his ass and M's ass and neither have the least bit of regard to me. NO respect to anything outside themselves.

I hate my life. I hate this situation and frankly I wish they would disappear, go away fall off the earth. To treat me like this is acceptable? Whatever. Karma is a bitch and they will get theirs.

And while ranting, ex's mother is a horrid beast. Imean that with the most endearment I can muster. She called me last Saturday about blah, Head lice, blah 100 of my own money, blah, why was I not treating the head lice, why wouldn't I be bothered. Didnt ask if I knew they had lice, didn't ask how I had been treating them, nope just went off on how I was a horrid mother because they had lice. Well, I have been treating lice. I have been following the recommendations made by the school nurse, comb morning and night. Last week,combed her before school, head was clean nothing on it at all. GEt a call from child care(it was dads night, he had them call me to get them from child care. He wasn't leaving work early, they didn't call M, nope called me, see above) daughter had lice. Well mother fucker, she didn't that morning before school. She is getting them at school from class mates. and HIS MOMMY CALLS ME ABOUT MY LACK OF DOING ANYTHING. Ha. Who sits here every morning and combs with the lice comb? Who makes sure her hair is up? Who washed bedding, jackets, hats and mittens, vacuumed every piece of upholstered furniture and then sprayed with lice spray? Certainly wasn't me, who spent x in HER OWN MONEY! to treat these kids. Nope, certainly not. And people wondered why I didn't fight to keep him as my husband? Nah, they shouldn't.

Sacroiliac Disease

It is painful and miserable. And treatable. I have suffered for no reason. It started while was pregnant, which is common. after I had the baby and it ddnt clear up, there shoudl have been treatment instead it was ignored. Dammit.

Just a girl

I have been having this narrative in my head all week about some writings I am looking forward to doing. I am excited because it is about *me*. LOL, seriously. I have transformed in the last year from a squat ugly duck to this woman I hadn't known before. I spent years in jeans t shirts and sneaks. I know find myself drooling over girly top, accessories that are perfect, glamour! I have changed and the most of it happened while I wasn't aware. A simple shift. And now I find myself taking, no making, time for makeup and hair other than a ponytail. Lip gloss has become a staple. I have changed from the boring girl, to the office stiff(although nice it wasn't *me*) to something in between. Jeans can have glam? Shoes *drool*. I just didn't see it happen. I like her though, hope she stays.

Hampster wrestling, the girl behind the ex and oh yeah, bitter freakin cold

So here we are into the second month of the year, leaving me with a yearning to be done winter. Let me just say that groundhog may have to go into the witness protection program come tomorrow. Fucker better tell me spring is here. My hands hurt, they are itchy and have split open. A true sign of dead of winter. Ah yes my sinuses are also making my teeth ache. Waaaaaa

I a have physical Thursday. Not happy, but I know it is what needs to be done. I am not going to shy around some serious issues. One, I am covered in bruises. Head to toe, all the time. I had a bruise the size of a coffee cup on the top of my foot. The top? Argh. Oh yes and I am always cold, not just feel cold but my extremities are always cold. And the hip and the foot surgery. yay Two weeks of bed rest. See me smiling?? Dammit.

So the exs girl called me. I had heard some things from the kids that were left field and made me mad. I guess the kids are playing us for suckers. She invited us to dinner. I want to go, don't get me wrong, something though. I dunno.

The concert. OMFG. Way cool. I like smaller venues, we were on the floor maybe 30 feet from the stage. We could have been closer, but I was good where I was. Skillet was the coolest, Puddle Of Mudd rawr and Shinedown was awesome. By the end I was exhausted! Lots of jumping and head thrashing and fist pumping for all.

I filed my taxes today. All by myself, for the first time ever. I have never had to do it all by myself before. Yay me!

And school is school. I only love one class, making the other three hard to even care about.

We had a lice outbreak. Not surprising 4 kids in public school, you can bet someone is gonna get em. So I stripped beds, washed everything that would go in the washer. Hats, mittens jackets, throw pillows. Stuffed animals, anything I could wash. Let me tell you, I have been busy. Bug free heads and the house is clean, bonus?

So we are totally freezing tonight because an unnamed woman didn't realize the oil tank was near empty. *whistles and backs away* and they only deliver on Tuesday and Thursday in Waterville. Oppsssss. So I turned everything down just in case.

Gots to go, homework to do and a load of wash to fold! Whoohoooooo!

My birthday, repeat

Because us really really fucking good girls do it twice, I get to celebrate my birthday again!

Saturday I get to collect on my birthday present. Concert tickets :)

Yay baby.

Be jealous, ya know you love me :)

Hahaha

To write is to know ones inner mind

Cause I said so :)

If you didn't know I love to write.

I am determined to put more effort into the half put tgehter pile of pages I have.

Need to find someone to proof read many pages.

Anyone applying?

Tired, have errands to run befre kids get home. Then a nap I hope?

I love my life.

:)

Totally not what I am supposed to be doing but am doing it anyway.

Just sayin

It snowing its snowing and there no school!!

I am giddy. One, I got a decent nights sleep. Two I am caught up on homework enough to play today. Three I get some rest today!

Giddy I am. I know silly reasons, but they make me happy.


Now, anyone wanna shovel for me? lol

Housekeeping

Wasnt happy with the last refresh I did of the blog, sooo I did it again. This time, I like it.

Just something to look at

I am kind of blah these days. Last night I curled right up with my guy and stayed in bed an extra hour. Pooh, I had to get up. I was warm and cozy and yeah. Woke up to a snow storm, how did I miss that one?

I am cranky about a few things. Certainly some people I am angry with, because they think they are righteous and I know they aren't. Convince them of it, go ahead and try. This particular person is mean, huge and I think could eat someone easily. I think that was too harsh. LOL

Anyway, just wanted to put something here today.

Let me tell you what is wrong with our world

And dammit I think I am right. And since I paid for this domain, I can be right on it if I want to be. You can leave me a comment and tell me you think I am wrong, I embrace new ways of thinking, but I will still be right.

So I have really started to rethink myself as a person and my philosophy of life. And it started with the idea of "why me/" when something happened. Then one day it occurred to me to ask, "why not me?". Was there anything profoundly different about me as a person and my family that would exclude us from all bad things ever? Now, for the sake of writing this we wont think about physics, chance, theories of relativity or anything else, just the bare bones humanity.
What would make me exclusive to having nothing ever go wrong in my life? There is no single thing. So then I stated thinking about things like judgment. This came about in my divorce. I tried like hell to do think right, learning what not to do from my soon to be ex's mother. She was petty and shallow through her divorce and damn proud of it. I wanted to be better than that. When I made up new rules and followed them, at the time nothing was better. I was still judged and labeled. I was furious! I started judging back, listing all people flaws, stewing over how unjust their words were! So I was doing the exact same thing they were doing. Talk about a wake up call......

So I started to try and look outside my "norm" range of thinking. Trying to view things realistically. Seeing things for what they were, still retaining my opinion but not chastising people for what they did.

I have an acquaintance, yeah we will call this person "A". Now I had a pretty up close relationship with A. at one time. We were in relatively close quarters for 8 hours a day, so we talked. A lot. A. made very bad financial choices. Going out to lunch twice a week, and on the tail end of telling me how fabulous whatever had been eaten was, the next breath was a rant about the lack of money to meet bills and the despair that was felt. Now I had and do still have my personal opinion of A. financial situation, but I kept them to myself simply saying, "It is too bad you are going through that." Which was the polite way to mind my business. To I have a negative idea of A.'s situation, perhaps. It is certainly not the road I take personally. Bills and home come before any frivolity such as eating out, new clothes etc. That is my choice.

Here is where things go fucking wrong with the world, too many people wont shut the fuck up. Too many people feel the need to say something like "Well if you would stop going out to eat all the time, you would have money to pay your bills." And what happens? The speaker is a douche bag about something that has NOTHING TO PERSONALLY DO WITH THEM. They are voicing their opinion, albeit unwanted, in an angry and demeaning manner making the listener angry and hurt, causing conflict. It is unnecessary! People need to head the advice, "If you can't say something nice......."

Why, oh why do people feel the need to add unwanted bullshit? Why is it there are so many people who refuses to mind their own business? Anger and bitterness are the driving force in our lives because people just simply can't deal with their own business at hand.

It makes me angry that it happens that way. We interject into others personal lives when it isn't warranted, yet people can stand by and watch a child be beaten or a woman raped. We as a country interject into other countries, dictating how they should work. Get a grip, why can't we, "we" as a loose term for America as a whole, just learn tact? That seems to be the gist or core of loose lips and ruthless brutal honesty, a lack of tact. Perhaps Emily Post etiquette should become mandatory for all Americans.

Time slows mid winter

It is mid January, this winter seems to be dragging it's feet to move along. I don't know why this year I am so ready for it to be gone, perhaps the lack of snow. Everything is brown and crunchy. There is no way to make a snowman or fort, sledding could be risky as every surface is iced over. I shouldn't wish for a fast forward, but I want something to spice things up. Just sayin'

Learning

I used to be a horrible judgmental bitch. Everyone else was wrong, they deserved whatever they got blah blah blah. Now not so much, I can deal with the things that make us all different. Rather it be choosing abortion or not. Whatever you can think of, I can disagree with some aspect of it, but I am vowing to stop judging.

This inspiration was just brewed while reading an article on AOL.COM. It was something to do with Slash, GnR guitarist being a whore dog. And some of the response were similar to "you disgust me" "you will be judged" "how could you". Who the fuck are these people to dare to boorishly say such things. So he got laid a LOT. Big fucking whoop. Those people making said comments have probably, and I can almost be certain of it, done things that Slash would feel the same way about. So how dare they make such accusations? I guess I have come to a new way of seeing things in life and this just rubs me the wrong fucking way. Because someone does something you don't agree with YOU yourself can place judgement. What kind of statement is "you will be judged" when it is already happening. Come on, take the righteous blinders off your damn head and SEE for once. What is wrong with something more along the lines of "I don't agree with such promiscuity, how could you have relations with that many people safely?" Is that so wrong, simply I don't agree with your views and actions, but we all are entitled to them as our own.

Good God
( And I welcome judgment of my believing in God)

It is cold.

I mean seriously. It did get warm enough for me to take the long road through campus between classes. At night or early in the morning, it is bitter. Like the floors are too cold for bare pigs! I miss bare pigs.

So I had a baking inspiration last night I guess, since I baked 2 loaves of bread, a batch of dinner rolls to go with the soup I am making mid week and a pan of cinnamon rolls. I kind of went by the seat of my pants and was unimpressed with the cinnamon rolls.


I am struggling day one! Grr, I am sure it will get better. Being out of school for so long I am stumped. There is an excellent tutoring resource available, I am certain I will be using services, Algebra sucks!

I have a lot tumbling through my brain tonight, but I am having trouble getting it all together in a sensible manner.