We are made to die

That is the inevitable truth of life. We are made to simply live and die. The common factor between us all, is one day we will cease to live.

I have lost so many people I love, and yet today another person who made me who I am has died. I loved her with all I am, who I am, what I am, is because of her.

Strength in the face of adversity, a lady through and through. The woman who taught me the importance of leaving the house looking like a lady, the importance of holding your head far above the mud slung. How to live without those things many feel are "need", in truth they are not.

I modeled much of how I live by this woman. It may be not main stream to do what I do, sew clothes, can food, garden, any of those things that made the difference in living through a depression. I value the lessons she left in me.

The saddest part of anyone passing away, but most especially this woman, is the stories, secrets and messages that died with her. So much lost. I sat many times just listening or watching. Feeling stronger in knowing her.

I am sad now because I feel an overwhwelming relief in her passing. 100 years is amazing by todays standards. She did it, with grace, beauty and dignity. I don't think in however many years I have left I will forget that last kiss she blew me from those wrinkled arthritic fingers. The importance of how many times I saw her do that and to have her do it that last time. I am very glad that despite my hesitance, I went. I told her how much I loved her, how much I will miss her.

It is done for her, an end to suffering. She earned her immortality in Heaven, with those she watched die. Her reward for being her, is an eternal kingdom of glory.

For my grandmother Lillian, an amazing hero by any standard and the woman I owe my integrity to.

I have an open heart, my kids are my entirety. Even if it isn't one I birthed, but needs a family. Without all the details that may be embarassing, my children called and I went. I don't know the hows or the whys, but I will do everything in my power to help this child. To love him like he is my own, care for him, protect him. I have never felt so lucky and so heartbroken all at the same time.

Otherwise, life is all over the place. I just, ugh. Thtas the way to summarize my feelings today. I have such good and yet some bad that I would prefer to ignore. Since we don't get that option, plow ahead.

This morning my head is such a whirlwind, I am barely able to compose a thought at all. Writing is a challenge at best. I spent all day cleaning and my house is trashed. I must start again.

I am my own worst enemy. I hate that I am, but truth. I wish I culd let things go, but some resentment keeps me throbbing. I hate that I resent so much. Maybe I need a vacation?

So life continues in it's very ordinary, very average way. Off to do the things that are calling from the other room.

When will alundry fold itself??

Isis