Flocks of birds hum ~

This week has left me feeling deflated. I was exhausted to boot, Monday I was up and out the door needlessly, Tuesday was alright, Wednesday was a cluster of irratation, Thursday was just all wrong and Friday said, Here Tina go fuck yourself with this cactus. I had parent teacher meetings this week, and on the heels of last weeks misery, I just really am wondering why even bother.

Well this morning I started off before I even had coffee with a brisk walk with the dog. I wish my husband had gone with me, but I think it is time for me to accept he sleeps far more than I ever will. Makes me kinda grouchy because he misses out on so much. Like walking in complete silence, watching the sky brighten to have a flock of birds take off from their perch and fly right over my head. It was beautiful, and I shared it with the dog.

I have class this morning, which I am not looking forward too because I woke to another sunis headache. I think it is high time to invest in a humidifier if I am going to survive the winter. I though quitting smoking would bring some more immediate relief, but it didn't.

I have many errands time things to do and I hope to get them done promptly. I have been scolding myself relentlessly because I haven't even gotten the camera out and done any pics. For some reason, there is a negative attachment to it now. I think in the end, I will have to part with it anyway so maybe I am just trying to distance myself? I don't know. Since selling my studio equipment last week I have been rather down.

And I reallly wonder if life will ever be alright between the two of us. We are both some dysfunctional it isn't even funny. Yesterday I was worried over of all things, money, because the phone bill was double what it should have been. And when I say ANYTHING, Robert automatically gets angry and defensive. It can't simply be lets problem solve togehter, nope everything the comes out of my mouth he feels is me attacking him. I am begining to think I should resign myself as married to a wonderful guy, who can't function properly and thinks I am his ex wife. I have gotten to the point of loathing that woman. I don't often feel so strongly about people, I may get angry but it usually fizzles quick. But she has ruined so much of my life, along with her backstabbing husband. My life will never be happy thanks to those two. If Robert tells me I am acting like S one my time, I don't think I can hold myself together. I am so tired of not getting the best of what life has because of cruel, vindictive women that came before me. Cheat on him, lie about him, leave post it notes about your affair and then run off with his best friend, banging him while Robert sits in the police station with nothing but a laundry basket of clothes. And I expect my life to be happy? I will never get what I deserve, ever. I am forever bound to what little he has left, no trust, no comfort or compassion when I feel bad because S through a computer at him, or put so much money into drugs and booze, I will never get what I deserve thanks to her. What a way to start a married life. To get to see all the bullshit she bred in him, and expect to get over it. There is no resolutions in this family, it is just Robert ignoring it until he feels it has gone away. Leaving me even more angry because we never solve, we ignore. Just as happened yesterday. At the end of his work day, I was expected to forget and move on as though nothing had happened at all. And this morning? I am more hurt than I was before, and not allowed to say anything. Great.